This happens to be a piece i wrote over a year ago. I put it up and haven't seen it since i wrote it. after re-reading it i can see why. It came from a place of pain. I was going through a lot (whats new??) Well I wanted to share it with you so here it is Burning Tears.....
Something told me you weren't honest baby. Something said to get out while you can. You know the red flags that go up with the warning, screaming silently in the background giving you the opportunity to leave. But i stayed. Believed in you and me. Now I'm standing here with Burning tears. Frustration and anger in my eyes, confusion ringing in my mind. Praying to God why? Why would he do this to me, how could he do this to me. Take my heart and abuse me. You used me. Took my love for granted, stole my mind, my soul, ruined my body. Touched my secret places both seen and unseen, took advantage of trust I had in you. Still I tried, tried to make changes. Be pretty enough and more submissive. I put up with your constant complaining. Took on the duties of a wife no ring in hand. I gave in to your demands, laid on my back when i wanted to stand. How stupid was I over this man? But now i am standing! No more believing you loved me. I don't believe you cared. You weren't true to me, you were true to yourself. Left me with the luggage now i carry it myself. Its OK because I Love myself. Enough to know that god shares this same love for me and I don't need you. So change is finally here but you are not apart of it! No more Burning Tears.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
When days turn to nights
Everyday is a struggle. It seems like I take one step forward to be shoved ten steps back. You are taught from a young age that hard work pays off, so when is my payday? I feel like I've been fighting the good fight for so long and I'm only 23. Granted I have a whole life ahead of me, god willing, and I'm sure there is much more to come, however the struggle is exhausting. I'm no quitter so I keep on pushing on. I'm scared of failure and I've be acquainted with her for a quite some time now. I'm not asking for the world to be handed to me all I want is some comfort, some security. I'm not asking to be stress free, just a little less worried. There are things I wanna do before I am old and grey but it seems like they are a lifetime away. I break my back to be a good person and a great mother. I would love for the cards of life to just play me one good hand to show me that my hard work is worth something. I probably sound unappreciative of the good things I already have and selfish for wanting more. I'm not sure that's exactly what it is all I know is I'm hungry For adventure and life and love and happiness. I work hard for it, but when I turn around there is always something telling me no not today. So I wait, pen in hand and paper ready so I can release this energy. Sometimes negative, often positive. Energy built up from anger and stress, sometimes love and happiness. I write my heart out until my days turn to nights and maybe just one day the words I write will turn into reality.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Insecurities
Insecure: Not sure or certain; doubtful, Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe, Not firm or fixed; unsteady, Lacking stability; troubled,Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.
Insecurities linger in the air everywhere you go. I am very familiar with this word. It plays in the backyard of my life. In everything that I do I find a way to bring up an insecurity about the situation. Sometimes its not even on purpose. I like to think that I am a very optimistic person, but the reality is that as much as I am optimistic I can be very insecure. I think positive about many things and then the negative creeps into my mind. I struggle with just letting things be what they are. I always want perfection. When I try to find the source of the problem, I end up with one answer, Myself. I am my worse critic. I am told I am beautiful everyday, but i find something wrong with me all the time. I am told I am smart, but I find a way to dumb myself down. People tell me they love my writing, and then I stop. There is a wall up that I cannot seem to break down. People go through this everyday. Doctors may say it stems from a past issue that may have put them in this place, I believe that is one of the issues. There is so much more. Insecurities are like a monster that feeds on the mind until you believe in its power. I try hard everyday to hide these insecurities but they shine through me like the sun. I pray about it but I don't put my best foot forward. My personal monster is greedy and steals from my mind everyday. The only thing i can do if fight the temptation to break down. I exude confidence even when my heart says otherwise. That is the first step and the next is to actually believe in what I put out there for the world to see. I have dreams and goals that I want to accomplish. Being insecure can be the reason I do not succeed. Maybe this is apart of growing up. You realize your flaws and try to fix them. Writing about my problems is like a breath of fresh air. It helps me cope and come to terms with my issue and start a process of healing and fixing. Sometimes you feel alone but I am sure I am not the only one that is feeling this weight on my shoulders. Hopefully this reaches someone who is going through the same thing and they understand that they are not alone as well. The first step is realizing the issue, the next step is making sure you fix them. This is my healing process. What is yours????
Insecurities linger in the air everywhere you go. I am very familiar with this word. It plays in the backyard of my life. In everything that I do I find a way to bring up an insecurity about the situation. Sometimes its not even on purpose. I like to think that I am a very optimistic person, but the reality is that as much as I am optimistic I can be very insecure. I think positive about many things and then the negative creeps into my mind. I struggle with just letting things be what they are. I always want perfection. When I try to find the source of the problem, I end up with one answer, Myself. I am my worse critic. I am told I am beautiful everyday, but i find something wrong with me all the time. I am told I am smart, but I find a way to dumb myself down. People tell me they love my writing, and then I stop. There is a wall up that I cannot seem to break down. People go through this everyday. Doctors may say it stems from a past issue that may have put them in this place, I believe that is one of the issues. There is so much more. Insecurities are like a monster that feeds on the mind until you believe in its power. I try hard everyday to hide these insecurities but they shine through me like the sun. I pray about it but I don't put my best foot forward. My personal monster is greedy and steals from my mind everyday. The only thing i can do if fight the temptation to break down. I exude confidence even when my heart says otherwise. That is the first step and the next is to actually believe in what I put out there for the world to see. I have dreams and goals that I want to accomplish. Being insecure can be the reason I do not succeed. Maybe this is apart of growing up. You realize your flaws and try to fix them. Writing about my problems is like a breath of fresh air. It helps me cope and come to terms with my issue and start a process of healing and fixing. Sometimes you feel alone but I am sure I am not the only one that is feeling this weight on my shoulders. Hopefully this reaches someone who is going through the same thing and they understand that they are not alone as well. The first step is realizing the issue, the next step is making sure you fix them. This is my healing process. What is yours????
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