Sleepless Nights

I lay eyes open they close and I lay

They open and nothing has changed

The thoughts are constant as the time flies by

Nothing makes sense and I lay

My heart fights my mind while my mind fights my body and I lay

Mind wonders day dreaming eyes wide open

The more I want it the more it slips away so I lay

Lay in my tears and my sorrows of nothing

Lay in the hopes that reality isn't what it seems and my heart is not broken

Lay in my dreams of the imperfect perfection I once had

The sun rises and time has gone sleep is no longer of value the day has begun

But I lay

Dreaming

Everyone has dreams. Big and small. But are we really dreaming or are we just fantasizing about the what if's?? My dream is to one day be a big hit on the radio and maybe television one day. I'm dreaming big but I'm also putting in the work to earn everything I receive. A year ago this was just a what if. I would listen to the radio or watch tv and fantasize about those people being me. One day something just clicked. I started putting my mind to things and developing relationships with people so this dream will one day be a reality. I pull inspiration from many places. My focus Is to be open minded and open hearted. I love where my future is headed and one day I will be able to say that I "started from the bottom". When I think about what will be it brings tears to my eyes because I know I was destined for my own greatness. My dreams are no longer dreams, they are reality for me now. So go out and put in the work to make the dreams reality. Peace

-Epitome of Beauty

Day one of school

Burning Tears

This happens to be a piece i wrote over a year ago. I put it up and haven't seen it since i wrote it. after re-reading it i can see why. It came from a place of pain. I was going through a lot (whats new??) Well I wanted to share it with you so here it is Burning Tears.....

Something told me you weren't honest baby. Something said to get out while you can. You know the red flags that go up with the warning, screaming silently in the background giving you the opportunity to leave. But i stayed. Believed in you and me. Now I'm standing here with Burning tears. Frustration and anger in my eyes, confusion ringing in my mind. Praying to God why? Why would he do this to me, how could he do this to me. Take my heart and abuse me. You used me. Took my love for granted, stole my mind, my soul, ruined my body. Touched my secret places both seen and unseen, took advantage of trust I had in you. Still I tried, tried to make changes. Be pretty enough and more submissive. I put up with your constant complaining. Took on the duties of a wife no ring in hand. I gave in to your demands, laid on my back when i wanted to stand. How stupid was I over this man? But now i am standing! No more believing you loved me. I don't believe you cared. You weren't true to me, you were true to yourself. Left me with the luggage now i carry it myself. Its OK because I Love myself. Enough to know that god shares this same love for me and I don't need you. So change is finally here but you are not apart of it! No more Burning Tears.

When days turn to nights

Everyday is a struggle. It seems like I take one step forward to be shoved ten steps back. You are taught from a young age that hard work pays off, so when is my payday? I feel like I've been fighting the good fight for so long and I'm only 23. Granted I have a whole life ahead of me, god willing, and I'm sure there is much more to come, however the struggle is exhausting. I'm no quitter so I keep on pushing on. I'm scared of failure and I've be acquainted with her for a quite some time now. I'm not asking for the world to be handed to me all I want is some comfort, some security. I'm not asking to be stress free, just a little less worried. There are things I wanna do before I am old and grey but it seems like they are a lifetime away. I break my back to be a good person and a great mother. I would love for the cards of life to just play me one good hand to show me that my hard work is worth something. I probably sound unappreciative of the good things I already have and selfish for wanting more. I'm not sure that's exactly what it is all I know is I'm hungry For adventure and life and love and happiness. I work hard for it, but when I turn around there is always something telling me no not today. So I wait, pen in hand and paper ready so I can release this energy. Sometimes negative, often positive. Energy built up from anger and stress, sometimes love and happiness. I write my heart out until my days turn to nights and maybe just one day the words I write will turn into reality.

Insecurities

Insecure:  Not sure or certain; doubtful, Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe, Not firm or fixed; unsteady, Lacking stability; troubled,Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.

Insecurities linger in the air everywhere you go. I am very familiar with this word. It plays in the backyard of my life. In everything that I do I find a way to bring up an insecurity about the situation. Sometimes its not even on purpose. I like to think that I am a very optimistic person, but the reality is that as much as I am optimistic I can be very insecure. I think positive about many things and then the negative creeps into my mind. I struggle with just letting things be what they are. I always want perfection. When I try to find the source of the problem, I end up with one answer, Myself. I am my worse critic. I am told I am beautiful everyday, but i find something wrong with me all the time. I am told I am smart, but I find a way to dumb myself down. People tell me they love my writing, and then I stop. There is a wall up that I cannot seem to break down. People go through this everyday. Doctors may say it stems from a past issue that may have put them in this place, I believe that is one of the issues. There is so much more. Insecurities are like a monster that feeds on the mind until you believe in its power. I try hard everyday to hide these insecurities but they shine through me like the sun. I pray about it but I don't put my best foot forward. My personal monster is greedy and steals from my mind everyday. The only thing i can do if fight the temptation to break down. I exude confidence even when my heart says otherwise. That is the first step and the next is to actually believe in what I put out there for the world to see. I have dreams and goals that I want to accomplish. Being insecure can be the reason I do not succeed.  Maybe this is apart of growing up. You realize your flaws and try to fix them. Writing about my problems is like a breath of fresh air. It helps me cope and come to terms with my issue and start a process of healing and fixing. Sometimes you feel alone but I am sure I am not the only one that is feeling this weight on my shoulders. Hopefully this reaches someone who is going through the same thing and they understand that they are not alone as well. The first step is realizing the issue, the next step is making sure you fix them. This is my healing process. What is yours????

Are you alive?

Living is hard enough with all the worries in the world and the stress in your life. So just be yourself, and make life happen don't just live, live outloud! Muah!

A Dedication to Our Queendom

Me and my friends have a way of dealing with one another. Each kind of plays a role to the whole group and then we have our separate bonds. Bonds that are unbreakable and recent events have proven that. 8 yrs we have invested in friendship and some of us 10. Its crazy when you look back on life and a friendship and see how much you and the people that mean the most to you been through. me and my three girls have been through good, bad, ugly, and devilish things. We have all made one another cry, laugh, wanna fight and wanna hug each other. No matter the circumstances we have stood by one another. We may take time away and have not so nice things to say but its all in the name of love for our girls. These are the woman who will watch and help me grow and vice versa. I love my Queens.

To Our Queendom!

Something to Think About

Something to think about.....
Earlier today my best friend Brandi emailed me a link to an article called “11 Things to Know at 25ish” by Shauna Niequist. It is published in Relevant Magazine. This article gives insight on life and what we could be doing about it at this young oh so tender age. It really opened my eyes to the things that I have been looking at as obstacles and showed me that they are more like opportunities. Opportunities that are given to you to mess up fix it and mess up again. Being 22 seems so hard sometimes. I never know what path I want to take, I am always dreaming up some plan for my life but I never take action on it. The article talked about the how this is the time to figure it all out. This is the time to take risks, travel and try everything you ever wanted. While doing so you, you may just end up finding YOU. I find myself stressing over really small things, but to me it’s the end of the world. Being a single mother has its ups and downs. My priorities are different from your average 22 year old. I have another life to think about when making certain decisions. Like where I want to work. I would love to be working part time and interning with a radio station, or a fashion boutique, going on vacation to Miami and Paris in the summer or even a cruise but my responsibilities to keep a roof over her head and food in her stomach keep me from doing so. So here I am at a job I don’t like, spending day after day dreaming of what I want to be doing. After reading this article I have realized that I have to give a little to get more. I need to start pursuing some of the things I dream of. Giving a little more of my time now while I am young and she is young may mean more time when we both are older for us to grow and be happy and be stable in every way possible. The want for more is no longer a want it is a necessity. I need to do things the way I see fit (of course in a way beneficial to our well- being). This article spoke volumes to me. I hope this speaks volumes to you and that you get up, get out, and do something with your life.

Looking Past the Past

Your past haunts you in more ways than one. It can consume you until there isn’t a future to look forward to, there is always a past to look into. People hardly ever notice this defect in their lives, others that do notice aren’t able to control it and take a stand against it. I am a victim of this epidemic. I always see what the problem is and the solution, however I am never able to get the grip on how to put those solutions into action. It is only human instinct to compare situations from the past when faced with a similar one. The issue lies with in taking the lesson learned from past experience and using it to better the new situation or to get past it. Most people, like me, dwell on the past situation. We harbor those feelings that we thought we may have moved on from. We may have prayed for healing, even changed our lives around a little to change those feelings but when faced with a similar situation we revert back to those feelings and regurgitate the outcome. So how do you move past the old and embrace the new? It’s a scary thing when the old has hurt you, or disappointed you. All I can really say is give it a chance. Approach the situation in a different manner not using the past as a crutch. Do not hold onto what was and let what is in. There are always signs, like huge red flags, that will always let you know if this particular situation will be like the last. It is up to you to point them out in the beginning in order to see a change or to deal with it and get the same results. Look past what you have been through, other things people have done to you because even though there are hints of those situations in your current one, one strong belief in change can make all the difference.